Dusty's Bedroom Adventures

One day, Dusty, she of the Fat Pink Belly, hid under her daddy's bed.

Her daddy, in the throes of rushing off to yoga, was oblivious to having left any cat in the bedroom. Her other daddy (who prefers to be called "boss") knew she was in the room under the dressing table. But when he saw she wasn't there, he thought she had followed her daddy out, so he closed the bedroom door. The boss, it must be said, wasn't used to feline subterfuge.

"Goody!" thought Dusty to herself, "I get to explore the secrets of the bed chamber!" Her daddy usually shooed her out whenever she ventured in, and rarely did she have the opportunity to explore the secret inner chambers of the flat.

So Dusty first went to her favourite place: the bathroom. She decided to write all about how she felt on the pink bathroom tiles, using her sooty dusty paws. She wrote a love note to her daddy on one tile. Then she wrote a prettier love note to the boss. She then wrote a scathing complaint about Raven on several tiles. By the time she was done, the entire bathroom floor was more black paw prints than pink tiles.

"Daddy will be pleased," she purred to herself, "It's not often that I tell him how much I love him,"

Done with the bathroom, Dusty proceed to crawl under the bed. "Better yet, on the bed!" she thought. She rolled around on the bed, gleefully exposing her fat pink belly to all and sundry - which was no one really, since she was in the bedroom by herself.

She crowed to herself about her coup, "That fat black Raven has tried to get an afternoon in the bedroom by herself, but has always been shooed out. So much for the boss thinking she's the smartest!" thought Dusty, with satisfaction.

Such an afternoon of pleasurable delight had not been in Dusty's recent experience. She spent a long time staring at a pigeon in the window. She rolled in the duvet and hopped from pillow to pillow. She tried writing another love letter on the dressing table, but found that black paw prints on black wood didn't work. Soon, Dusty felt sleepy and decided to take a nap, comfortably making a cosy hollow in her daddy's pillow.

Suddenly Dusty woke up. It was dark outside. She thought to herself, "They're taking an awfully long time to get back!" Just then, the fat pink belly (attached to the fat brown cat) began to quiver with the need to ablute. "Oh no! What can I do?" Dusty thought, thoroughly distraught. "I have to use the softest thing here," she thought in desperation, and breathed a sigh of relief when her business was done.

As soon as the dastardly deed was executed (well, not dastardly to Dusty), the fat brown cat heard the main door open. "Excitement!" she squealed to herself, "Daddy and boss are back!" She rushed to the bedroom door, welcoming them back in both major and minor keys.

The boss was the first to open the door and...

Daniel Chandranayagam on Monday, October 24, 2011

Overgrown Teens

I am 48 but I don't feel like I am 48. I know I look younger and am healthier than many 48 year-olds. Perhaps it is because of the way I look and my health that I don't feel like I am 48? But I have never been 48 before so how do I know a 48 year-old man is supposed feel?

It is interesting. Recently someone created a facebook page, reuniting all my old church members. Majority of us now are in our middle age and the last time I saw these people I was in my early twenties. But I don't feel any difference the way we relate to each other. In fact, we respond to each others' posts like we were still at our teens. Picking on each other, teasing each other, and saying silly things to each other.

I wonder, do we really grow up? Or we are just, like one of my wise friends says, overgrown teenagers??

I wonder

Bliss

Start Again

My last entry was in November 2010. I lost interest of blogging because of Facebook. But I think i like to start again because I have some thoughts I would really like to write down before they disappear from this aging mind of mine. Besides, this blog is special to me because I started it right after I got married.

So here you go. The Bliss is back :)

Anniversary

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Can't believe we have been married for a year. It has been a wonderful for both of us. We will be moving in together, finally, in December. It will be another new phase of life for both of us. Living together is very different from meeting each other daily and then go back to our own abode after that. But I believe the move will bring us even closer to each other. Which married couple doesn't live together right? I look forward to it but also a bit anxious about it. However, we will prevail because we love each other deeply.

Blog again, insya Allah!

My last blog was in February, right after the passing of Ceasar. Why is this long interval? I don't know. May be I have been busy? May be I have too many on my plate? Or perhaps I am lazy? I can find many excuses but the simplest reason is, I lost the motivation to blog.

Then why am I blogging now? Perhaps I feel I am responsible to blog because I started this blog and actually has a few followers. Perhaps it's something I am called to do but I just have been neglecting it and am feeling guilty about it. Oh well, the simplest reason, I feel I should start blogging again. Insya Allah, I will keep up. I think it's good for my soul if I at least blog once a week even if I am writing garbage (sorry, my dear followers). It should be good for my soul.

Just got back from a long needed holiday with my darling. Because of financial restrain, we only went to P.D. but it was a good holiday. We just spend time in the room watch movies and made love or by the pool to get a tan (I got burnt) or eat (both of us are so fat). Now we are back, refreshed and ready to face our busy schedules and workloads. May be this is why I blog again.

Watched a movie on DVD last night in the room with my darling, "Black Death". A well written, acted and directed movie about religious fanaticism. I highly recommend it.

BLISS

Remembering Caecar Chong

Yesterday at 7 am, Caecar Chong, a dear friend of my darling, passed away. He's 36. Caecar suffered from lymphatic cancer since late last year and the doctor gave him only two months to live. He lived for 4 months.

My darling and I went to the wake. It was a very sad affair. Caecar was a well-known dancer and theater personality. To die at such a young age in such a short time was tragic. What made it more difficult was Caecar only wanted a few people knew that he was dying. So when the news came that he was dying about two weeks ago, my darling found it difficult to accept. The last time he heard from him was when he was going to Tibet in the middle of last year.

I have only talked to Caecar a handful of time briefly and I don't think he remembers me. But I feel I have known him well because of my darling. He talked about him once awhile and told me the things they did together. My darling also described his artistic eccentricity and his independent personality. He did what he liked to do and be who he wanted to be.

"He made me realize that I could get married too. He gave me my first freelance break. He taught me how to take photos. He gave me an appreciation of performing arts. He showed me a whole community that I never knew existed. And when I left him 5 years ago, he was fine. Now he's gone. But I know he is free and happy. I think this is the way he was always meant to be."

My darling sms me the above after the wake.

I am sad, mainly because my darling is sad. However, I am also sad because we have lost a great talent in our Malaysian performing arts community.

Caecar Chong, you will be missed by many. May your soul rest in peace.

BLISS

Fundamentalist Buddhists

The following was a correspondence I had with Mr V, a good Buddhist friend of mine. I had a very unpleasant experience in his temple on this past Monday night.

Hi Mr. V,

How are you? I guess you are like me, back to the busy teaching schedule in the college.

I am writing this email with a heavy heart because of the experience I had at P the monk's class last night at the M temple. I feel that I should write to you and let you know what'd happened and how I feel and perhaps we can come to a resolution of the issues that were brought up in last night class.

Last night (Monday night) was my first time attending his class. I went to his Thursday meditation session but not his Monday teaching session. The topic of the lesson was "theology and God", something like that. All were well and good and I was enjoying and learning in the class. However, I was a bit uncomfortable when he talked about Christians and our belief and concept of God because there were a bit of distortions as well as misinformed on his part. For example he said Christians think Buddhists are evil people because Buddhists don't believe in God. Well, perhaps that may be true in California, USA but definitely that's not true in Malaysia. Evangelical Christians in Malaysia think Buddhists are all idol worshipers and need to be saved from the fire of hell. Besides, I thought it wasn't fair to make sweeping statements about God, concept of God and the belief in God. Moreover, the religious and spiritual experiences of Muslims and Christians should be taken into consideration. In a nutshell, we don't really have any rights to comment on other faiths which we haven't had or limited experience, especially we bound to make mistakes and distortions when come to theology, interpretation and experience. I would be ok with him if he just this is what Buddhist believe without criticizing other religions who don't believe like Buddhists do.

It was under that pretext that I asked him the question "what do you think about people's experience with God". Perhaps was the way I asked him or I not sure what triggered the situation, he started to bombard me with questions like "tell me about your God", "explain what you mean by personal experience", "if you can't explain it, means you don't know" etc... I was very disturbed by those line of questioning and answering. He told me since I couldn't explain it he couldn't answer me, bringing the discussion down to a personal level.

I couldn't answer those questions without using Christian terminologies and words he had ridiculed during the lesson. The line of questioning he threw at me was actually cornering me into admitting what he had said was the "mistakes" or "dreams" that Christians have in their belief system. At one point, I was actually forced to tell my conversation experience which was very personal (involved my mother who had passed away) and yet instead of hearing me out he immediately dismissed my experience as self induced or influenced by my upbringing etc...basically it was a no win situation for me to have any intelligent and respectful dialog with him. The moment I said I was a Christian, that's it, I have been judged and everything I said was to be discredited.

Another question that was impossible to answer and to me, was intended to discredit, was when I told him that this was my spiritual journey, he asked me "what journey? where are you going?" and the rest joined and said if I don't know where I am going then I am not really "knowing".

This is what made the situation worst, the class which consisted of about 50 people joined in. I was told since I couldn't explain my spiritual experience so I didn't understand or I didn't know. One told me to discard what I belief then I will understand. Well, I understand and continue to understand more but that doesn't mean I have to discard what I have been believing because God has done a lot of good in my life. My walk with the Lord Jesus has made me a better person. Who I am today has a lot to do with my faith and my experience with God. However, these people seem to choose to disregard that...which is ironic. When P the monk said Christians think Buddhists are evil people because Buddhists don't believe in God. Here, I became an evil person because I believe in God.

After the lesson, people came up to me to talk to me. None of them asked me where I am from, what I am doing, why am I there etc. Every single one of them, one way or another, was trying to convince me that believing in God is an illusion, is wrong. One even came up to me and said, you Christians don't think! The other said to me she went to a church and they said bad things about Buddhism also. I can't see the logic, just because Christians in a church say bad things about Buddhism, Buddhists can say bad things about Christianity in their temple? Two wrongs wouldn't make one right. Later my friend (yes, I have a Buddhist friend attending the class also) took me out for a drink and again, he was trying to convince me that Buddhism is right and Christianity is wrong.

For a moment, I thought I was back to the churches I have grown up in. May be is my karma because those churches used to ridicule other religion so I was reaping what I had indirectly sow. However, last night experience has brought me into the following conclusion:

1. As much as I want to respect P the monk as a spiritual leader and a knowledgeable monk, I have lost respect for him. Because he made statement about other faiths without having thorough understanding (he may think he has thoroughly understood the faith) and showing respect for those faiths. In that aspect, he to me is no different than any dogmatic priest, pastor, and imam. Definitely he can't be the "guru" I'm looking since there is not even a tiny connection in spirit between us. But what disturbed me the most is the perpetuation of stereotyping of other religious faiths by religious leaders. I thought at first Buddhists will be different, surely that's the impression I got from reading some Buddhist books. But last night experience definitely has changed my view.

2. My impression about Buddhists have changed. I told my friends once that I felt that the Buddhists I met in the temple were not much different than the Christians in the Church. Each hold on to what they believe in strongly, which is ok, as long as they have the realization of other people's faith and experience are as valid, and not shoveling their own opinion into others' throat. Not what I had experienced last night.

3. In Malaysia, as leaders of any religious organization, we have to be very careful to foster and cultivate spirit of peace and tolerance. Yes, each religion will hold on to what they believe is the truth, that's inevitable. But every religion also teaches their believers to respect and accept others who are different. "There is no compulsion in religion", "do unto others as you would have others to do unto you" are universal. What surprises me the most is this kind of I'm right and you are wrong mindset is actually cultivating in a Buddhist temple. The Roman Catholic Church that the few people in the class had "ridiculed" as narrow minded, not thinking and dogmatic is having inter-faith dialog and lessons to foster good understanding and relationship with other faiths regularly but what I have noticed is there are very few Buddhists attending such meetings and talks. And I haven't heard of any Buddhist temple actually organizing any inter-faith talk or meeting. Maybe they have and I don't know about it.

Last night was not pleasant for me but it was a good experience for me. I may not want to go back to the class or the meditation session again but I have no hard feeling towards anyone in that temple. I was judged, stereotyped, and put in a box the moment I said I was a Christian (in fact, I hate telling people I'm a Christian) and there is something I feel very disturbed about. If even the Buddhists who are reputed to be compassionate, accepting, tolerance etc have this "I am right and you are wrong attitude (fundamentalism), we have a lot of work to do in cultivating inter-faith dialog, understanding, respect and cooperation.

The recent "Allah" issue is the prime example.

I'm sorry to put you through this long letter. Hope you can forgive me if I have written something that is offensive to your belief and faith. I stand to be corrected. Thanks for your patience and willingness to hear me out.

May you be peaceful, free and healthy.

BLISS

My dear Bliss,

As I read your letter, I kept saying, over and over again, “Oh, my god!” I am really very sorry for what you had to go through. I wish I had been there to gauge exactly what the undercurrents were and how others were ‘misreading’ your cues. However, I do feel partly responsible because I think I had recommended P the monk to you. On hindsight, it was a mistake because P the monk is not the most tactful person I know. He has purportedly studied Religion and Philosophy in the US and I would have expected him to have been more respectful of you as a person although he might not have agreed with your beliefs. Others also have had such experiences with him. His line of argument against you is unpardonable. His disregard for your views as a Christian, trying to learn about Buddhism is also unpardonable. I feel he has done Buddhism a great injustice. I really wish you had the opportunity to have met our late Chief, Ven Dhammananda. He would have treated you very differently. We Buddhists have an extra reason to hang our heads in shame, because we make such a big deal about how tolerant we. Those of us who belong to the ‘ism’ are just as intolerant as everyone else who holds fundamentalist views.

In a broader context,in trying to come to terms with this episode, I am wondering why people reacted as they did last night. I think they are under a siege mentality, as much as the Muslims are over the Allah issue. The fundamentalist Christians have made Buddhists, (especially those not too strong in their understanding) feel they are threatened. They have been fed with stories of families being broken up, and underhand means being used to promote their faith. The story of Buddha prophesizing the coming of Christ is a case in point. When you are threatened and feel defenseless you react negatively. This is certainly not good. Buddhists must be more knowledgeable and be empowered to discuss religious issues rationally without hurting the feelings of others, using expressions like ‘evil’ and so on.

I am going to discuss this issue with the President of the Temple to alert him to the dangers of people who give a bad impression of Buddhists. I have learnt from this too. I have to be extra careful when I deal with the public, because there may be people of other faiths involved, and you never know whom you will be hurting.

Apologetically yours

V

New Year Rambling

It’s the end of the year 2009 and many of us are in a reflective mood I believe. I am. In fact, I haven’t got out of my reflective mood in 2008 yet. My Muslim friends told me, according to Islam, time goes by much faster when the world is coming to an end. Perhaps the world is really coming to an end if those box office movies on the end of the world are indicative of the current collective consciousness of the world. 2012 is only two years away.

Time is flying and is flying much faster than usual. When I was in college, I remember, I dreaded time passing so slowly. It took a long time to finish one semester and I couldn’t wait to graduate so that I could enter the real world and be somebody. When I started lecturing, it took a long time to finish one semester and I remember how sick I was to see the same students again and again (I guessed my students shared the same feeling).

However, since 2000, one semester just flew by without anyone of us even aware of it. I hardly know my students let alone getting sick of seeing them over and over again. Each time when I announce in class when the next test is going to be, I will inevitably hear grumbling, “so soon ah?” And I am sure many of us still remember how we spent our 2008 New Year Eve like it was just yesterday. The Asian Tsunami in 2004 is as fresh as the taste of Christmas turkey a few days ago. So, perhaps, time flies should be replaced with time zooms!

So what am I saying here…well, I don’t really know. I am just a bit depressed because I know nothing is permanent in this world and time is zooming by me like the speed of light. I can’t do a thing to stop that and I hate the so called wise saying “treasure the moment” because I don’t want momentary but eternity.

I want to be young, healthy, and handsome eternally. I want to hold on to my darling eternally. I want to live eternally…I want my life, my world, the people who are in my life, to stay eternally. Then again, I will get bored after awhile because…eternity is boring. Imagine everything stays the same forever and ever? That’s why heaven does not make sense to me…in fact, heaven can be torturous, living with those Muslim and Christian fundamentalists in eternity?? That is hell!

This is my dilemma; I want eternity and yet eternity appears hellish to me. I asked a wise church man once when I was a naïve teenage boy, “What do we do in heaven?” He answered, “We praise and worship God there.” “Wouldn’t that be boring? Praising and worship God eternally? Wouldn’t God feels bored? Wasn’t that the reason started Him/Her to create this world because He/She was bored? What’s He/She going to do while listening to these crazy Charismatic people jumping, screaming and shouting with their electric guitars, drums etc eternally? I guess after awhile God would have to start creating again, wouldn’t he?” He couldn’t answer me.

My darling told me his New Year resolution this morning during breakfast (we are taking a break in Melaka) and I told him mine. But I know we seldom fulfill our New Year resolution because we usually set goals that are almost impossible to accomplish. We still set resolutions during New Year because we have hope that may be this year we will fulfill those resolutions. And because of this hope, we set our resolutions year after year though we seldom fulfill them. Guess hope is the answer.

But the Bible says, “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (I Corinthians 3:13) Looking at my darling, I realize love is the one that keeps me going and love is the one that gives me meaning in my life. Then I remember another verse in the Bible, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (I John 4:7-8)

This is my New Year realization; I am with God and God is with me because I love. Marrying my darling this year has brought me closer to God and growing deeper in God because marriage has caused me to love my darling much deeper than before. All over the over world people are looking for love and truly happy people are people who have found love. Perhaps, the Christians are right; we all need God because we all need love and God is love.

So, instead of a New Year resolution, I have a realization. God is love and the ones who love are born of God and know God. We do not need to be religious or dogmatic to be with God; we just need to give love and receive love. Now I understand why loving people are happy and contend people because these people are with God.

Faith, Hope, and Love…..the greatest is LOVE.

Have a Happy and Lovely New Year!

BLISS

A Fabulously Fabulous Dinner

The Gala Dinner organized by PT foundation was probably one of the best “annual” dinner I have attended. It was held on Nov 12 at PGRM building in Cheras. My darling and I went with the attitude of giving PT support but were pleasantly surprised and entertained by the event. My darling has been telling his friends what a great show they have missed because a few of them didn’t want to go to the dinner.

I think everybody enjoyed the dinner that night including the volunteers and the performers as well as, very obviously, the two marvelous MCs. Edwin and Nell did a great job in musing us. Though Edwin’s drag was amazing but Nell was also fabulous amid a majority gay audience. The performances were not perfect but they were entertaining, especially the three manly drag queens, I have to say they stole the show. Performers were sincere and it can tell that they were really enjoying themselves. But the performer who stole the limelight was a PT stuff, Jeremy. His Charlie’s Angels Lucy Liu’s style ‘dance’ with a group of underwear only hunks (well, kind of hunks) was, well, fabulously fabulous! And guess what, his parents were in the audience! Later I asked what his parents would think of his “performance”, he said, “I'll deal with that later.” What a cool guy!

I was especially touched by the award giving ceremony. Seldom, I care much about these award giving affairs but this one was inspiring. PT Foundation was giving out appreciation awards to people who have supported and still supporting the foundation for the past 20 years. What inspired and touched me was that the people who received the awards were from all walks of life and majority of them were ordinary people who just wanted to help. To use the words of my darling, “they are low key people”. The one award that impressed me was the award to JAWI. The representative to receive the award was a tudung lady who had no problem shaking a man’s hand. Later while we were leaving, I saw a group of JAWI people talking with Hisham outside the building. There was not only one lady representing JAWI; there were a group of them! Oh my, they sat through the whole dinner watching all the performances…and no police coming to shut down the party! Malaysia is not that hopeless after all.

My darling gave me a good description of the whole evening, “they are full of love”. Yes, that is probably the most apt description. I sincerely pray to the divine power that he/she will continue to watch over PT Foundation and bless all the work they are doing for the LGBT community as well as work in education and prevention of HIV/AIDS. Bravo PT!

BLISS

My HIV Journey

December 1 was World Aids Day. I should have blogged this on that day but I was too busy to blog on that day. Three days before I went to Sungai Wang to help out in the Red Carnival, the annual event by PT Foundation to celebrate World Aids Day. Not sure I should call it a celebration but if you were in Sungai Wang on the 28th and 29th, you would think it was a celebration.

My first encounter with HIV was when I was a student in the USA in the 1980s. It was the time when HIV first shown its ugly head to the world. Hundreds of people, mostly gay men, died of this horrible onslaught and a world-wide epidemic was inevitable. I was a bit indifferent toward the disease because I was a very good straight Christian boy at that time, trying my best unsuccessfully to date girls. However, I did find myself being drawn to the issues with the disease more and more for some obvious reasons.

When I was studying in the seminary (yes, I was such a good Christian boy to the extend I enrolled myself in an evangelical seminary after I finished my bachelor studies), my only gay friend at that time came to the seminary to visit me and told me he was HIV positive. It was a bit traumatic for him and also for me. It was the early 90s, the only drug we had was AZT. But I was informed enough to not to fear him. I even went canoeing and camping with him, sleeping in the same tent. Of course nothing sexual or that sort happened because I was a good straight Christian boy. But to be able to spend or be so close with a HIV + person in the early 1990s, especially coming from a conservative Christian background, was big thing. I was pretty proud of myself to be able to do that.

Later I went with this friend to watch the first gay movie I had ever watched, “Long Time Companion”, and cried. This was when I started to open up myself more and more to learn about the disease as well as my own sexual preference.

I have lost contact with this friend but I heard from another friend from the USA few years ago that he was still alive and well.

Returning to Malaysia in the mid nineties was a real challenge for me. I lived in the USA for nine years plus and never wanted to return. But only God knows why I decided to return and only God knows why I decided to explore the gay person in me after my return.

I got to know this organization called Pink Triangle. The first person I talked to in PT was Jack (unfortunately he passed away) who was also the first HIV positive person I knew in Malaysia. Later I was acquainted with another positive guy who died in England a few years later. I visited him in the hospital when he was very sick; it was the first time I saw a person inflicted with AIDS face to face.

Since then, I have been learning about HIV/AIDS and had a few close brushes with the virus by not practicing safe sex. Later I joined some training programs with Malaysia Aids Council and once in awhile participated in PT’s parties or events. My knowledge about HIV/AIDS was getting better but I did not get myself really involved with the issue, may be because I was not ready.

Two years ago I decided to go back to school to get a degree in counseling. At that time I also found out PT Foundation started the VCT (Voluntary Counseling, and Testing; it is an anonymous HIV testing program) program so I volunteered myself to become a VCT counselor. Being a VCT counselor, I have to provide counseling to clients before they go for their test and give them their result after the test. These two years of VCT counseling prove to be very challenging especially when I have to break the news of positive result to my client. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. It’s not a pleasant announcement.

And as if God knew what was going to happen. A few months into my VCT adventure, one of my closest friends was diagnosed HIV positive. A few months later, another close friend of mine was also diagnosed positive.

Alan (not his real name) called me and told me his comprehensive blood test in a clinic showed he was HIV positive and asked me what to do. He was very calm and told me in a matter of fact manner. I was of course shocked and saddened. Alan and I used to be close to the point we almost became lovers. I advised him to come to PT to have another test to confirm as well as to get the recommendation letter to go to the hospital.

Then Mike (also not his real name) called a few months later. “I’m HIV positive.” That was his first line after the “hallo”. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what or how to respond. I asked perhaps a stupid question, “When did you have sex?” He was laughing over the other side. It didn’t really matter when he had sex. He was positive and he wanted to know what to do next. Mike was also cool and calm about his HIV status.

About an hour later, Mike’s partner called and he was crying. I found out from him that they knew about the HIV status for a few days but for some reasons Mike waited awhile to call me. Well, same procedure, I advised Mike to come to PT for a test and get the letter to go to hospital for the follow up test. Mike and his partner have not had sex for awhile so the partner was not in danger of contracting HIV from Mike. But they are still partners and love each other a lot. It has been difficult but now they seem to have adjusted and life has in a sense back to normal.

Few days ago, I got a text message from an acquaintance telling me he had a friend who was just diagnosed to be HIV positive. He was deeply affected by it because a year ago he had a good friend was also diagnosed HIV positive.

HIV does not only affect the people who are infected with the virus but their family, spouses, partners and friends will also be affected. Finding out someone you love has HIV is not an easy matter to deal with. Besides the positive person who is living with HIV, his/her friends, partners and family are also living with the virus. And I hope one day steps will be taken to assist the positive people’s loved ones to cope with living positively.

So far, this is my journey with HIV. I am not sure what awaits me at the corner; I am also not sure whether I will personally be infected with the virus in the future. My darling and I talked about it before, in the case of one of us was infected with the virus. We told each other we will live with each other and continue to support each other. However, I am already living positively now. I am living with my positive friends and every positive client I encounter in VCT. I may not fully understand how a HIV + person feels and what he/she is going through. But I am affected by the virus and I know I am living positively as long as the virus is in my friends' bodies and continue invading other human bodies in this world.

BLISS

I'm married!

Nov 20, 2009 (Fri, 1.40am)

Yes! Finally I created my first blog, ever! Why? Because I got married. Yes! I'm married on November 14, 2009. Something I thought I never would do but I did it!

Still remember the morning I got the sms from him, "why don't we just get married?" And I answered, "why not?" And the rest was history.

The preparation of the ceremony prompted a few ferocious fights; one was before a good friend of his. I wonder what he thought of me or our relationship after that frightening experience. But he showed up in the ceremony, happily helping us and congratulating us. Guess his confidence in our relationship had returned when he saw after all the fights and heartaches, we still wanted to marry to each other.

I finally came out to my family, all because of the wedding. And the response..."we already knew, just waiting for you to tell us." Majority of them showed up at the ceremony. Those who didn't show were because of prior engagement; all had to do with work. It was a pleasant surprise for me. I knew they will be ok with my gender preference but I had never expected such support from them.

As for my darling, none of his family had shown. He told me to say that his family was very conservative so it was better that they didn't show. And it didn't seem to bother him at all seeing 90% of my family members were there but none of his shown. He cried right before the ceremony start, not because of the no showing of his family but he was so excited to marry me.

Some asked, can get married meh in our country like that? Well, depends on how you define marriage. My darling kept saying to people before the ceremony, "we are already married but we just want a ceremony to share with friends and family." To us, being married is an attitude. It's in our hearts, not on a piece of paper.

Marriage basically consists of two people who are deeply in love with each other and couldn't live without each other therefore they don't really have a choice but to be with each other.

Besides the bad English and the unromantic expression, I think I have basically defined what the spirit of marriage is. Anything out of that definition is not a marriage even though society and law recognize it as a marriage, it's just a zombie marriage, without the soul.

I do have to say after the ceremony, both of us feel different for each other. My darling says we love each other more deeply which I think he is right. I also feel free. No longer I need to "hide" from my family. In fact, they have accepted him as part of the family and my sister was talking about us giving ang pao during this coming Chinese New Year...oh well....

BLISS