New Year Rambling

It’s the end of the year 2009 and many of us are in a reflective mood I believe. I am. In fact, I haven’t got out of my reflective mood in 2008 yet. My Muslim friends told me, according to Islam, time goes by much faster when the world is coming to an end. Perhaps the world is really coming to an end if those box office movies on the end of the world are indicative of the current collective consciousness of the world. 2012 is only two years away.

Time is flying and is flying much faster than usual. When I was in college, I remember, I dreaded time passing so slowly. It took a long time to finish one semester and I couldn’t wait to graduate so that I could enter the real world and be somebody. When I started lecturing, it took a long time to finish one semester and I remember how sick I was to see the same students again and again (I guessed my students shared the same feeling).

However, since 2000, one semester just flew by without anyone of us even aware of it. I hardly know my students let alone getting sick of seeing them over and over again. Each time when I announce in class when the next test is going to be, I will inevitably hear grumbling, “so soon ah?” And I am sure many of us still remember how we spent our 2008 New Year Eve like it was just yesterday. The Asian Tsunami in 2004 is as fresh as the taste of Christmas turkey a few days ago. So, perhaps, time flies should be replaced with time zooms!

So what am I saying here…well, I don’t really know. I am just a bit depressed because I know nothing is permanent in this world and time is zooming by me like the speed of light. I can’t do a thing to stop that and I hate the so called wise saying “treasure the moment” because I don’t want momentary but eternity.

I want to be young, healthy, and handsome eternally. I want to hold on to my darling eternally. I want to live eternally…I want my life, my world, the people who are in my life, to stay eternally. Then again, I will get bored after awhile because…eternity is boring. Imagine everything stays the same forever and ever? That’s why heaven does not make sense to me…in fact, heaven can be torturous, living with those Muslim and Christian fundamentalists in eternity?? That is hell!

This is my dilemma; I want eternity and yet eternity appears hellish to me. I asked a wise church man once when I was a naïve teenage boy, “What do we do in heaven?” He answered, “We praise and worship God there.” “Wouldn’t that be boring? Praising and worship God eternally? Wouldn’t God feels bored? Wasn’t that the reason started Him/Her to create this world because He/She was bored? What’s He/She going to do while listening to these crazy Charismatic people jumping, screaming and shouting with their electric guitars, drums etc eternally? I guess after awhile God would have to start creating again, wouldn’t he?” He couldn’t answer me.

My darling told me his New Year resolution this morning during breakfast (we are taking a break in Melaka) and I told him mine. But I know we seldom fulfill our New Year resolution because we usually set goals that are almost impossible to accomplish. We still set resolutions during New Year because we have hope that may be this year we will fulfill those resolutions. And because of this hope, we set our resolutions year after year though we seldom fulfill them. Guess hope is the answer.

But the Bible says, “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (I Corinthians 3:13) Looking at my darling, I realize love is the one that keeps me going and love is the one that gives me meaning in my life. Then I remember another verse in the Bible, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (I John 4:7-8)

This is my New Year realization; I am with God and God is with me because I love. Marrying my darling this year has brought me closer to God and growing deeper in God because marriage has caused me to love my darling much deeper than before. All over the over world people are looking for love and truly happy people are people who have found love. Perhaps, the Christians are right; we all need God because we all need love and God is love.

So, instead of a New Year resolution, I have a realization. God is love and the ones who love are born of God and know God. We do not need to be religious or dogmatic to be with God; we just need to give love and receive love. Now I understand why loving people are happy and contend people because these people are with God.

Faith, Hope, and Love…..the greatest is LOVE.

Have a Happy and Lovely New Year!

BLISS

A Fabulously Fabulous Dinner

The Gala Dinner organized by PT foundation was probably one of the best “annual” dinner I have attended. It was held on Nov 12 at PGRM building in Cheras. My darling and I went with the attitude of giving PT support but were pleasantly surprised and entertained by the event. My darling has been telling his friends what a great show they have missed because a few of them didn’t want to go to the dinner.

I think everybody enjoyed the dinner that night including the volunteers and the performers as well as, very obviously, the two marvelous MCs. Edwin and Nell did a great job in musing us. Though Edwin’s drag was amazing but Nell was also fabulous amid a majority gay audience. The performances were not perfect but they were entertaining, especially the three manly drag queens, I have to say they stole the show. Performers were sincere and it can tell that they were really enjoying themselves. But the performer who stole the limelight was a PT stuff, Jeremy. His Charlie’s Angels Lucy Liu’s style ‘dance’ with a group of underwear only hunks (well, kind of hunks) was, well, fabulously fabulous! And guess what, his parents were in the audience! Later I asked what his parents would think of his “performance”, he said, “I'll deal with that later.” What a cool guy!

I was especially touched by the award giving ceremony. Seldom, I care much about these award giving affairs but this one was inspiring. PT Foundation was giving out appreciation awards to people who have supported and still supporting the foundation for the past 20 years. What inspired and touched me was that the people who received the awards were from all walks of life and majority of them were ordinary people who just wanted to help. To use the words of my darling, “they are low key people”. The one award that impressed me was the award to JAWI. The representative to receive the award was a tudung lady who had no problem shaking a man’s hand. Later while we were leaving, I saw a group of JAWI people talking with Hisham outside the building. There was not only one lady representing JAWI; there were a group of them! Oh my, they sat through the whole dinner watching all the performances…and no police coming to shut down the party! Malaysia is not that hopeless after all.

My darling gave me a good description of the whole evening, “they are full of love”. Yes, that is probably the most apt description. I sincerely pray to the divine power that he/she will continue to watch over PT Foundation and bless all the work they are doing for the LGBT community as well as work in education and prevention of HIV/AIDS. Bravo PT!

BLISS

My HIV Journey

December 1 was World Aids Day. I should have blogged this on that day but I was too busy to blog on that day. Three days before I went to Sungai Wang to help out in the Red Carnival, the annual event by PT Foundation to celebrate World Aids Day. Not sure I should call it a celebration but if you were in Sungai Wang on the 28th and 29th, you would think it was a celebration.

My first encounter with HIV was when I was a student in the USA in the 1980s. It was the time when HIV first shown its ugly head to the world. Hundreds of people, mostly gay men, died of this horrible onslaught and a world-wide epidemic was inevitable. I was a bit indifferent toward the disease because I was a very good straight Christian boy at that time, trying my best unsuccessfully to date girls. However, I did find myself being drawn to the issues with the disease more and more for some obvious reasons.

When I was studying in the seminary (yes, I was such a good Christian boy to the extend I enrolled myself in an evangelical seminary after I finished my bachelor studies), my only gay friend at that time came to the seminary to visit me and told me he was HIV positive. It was a bit traumatic for him and also for me. It was the early 90s, the only drug we had was AZT. But I was informed enough to not to fear him. I even went canoeing and camping with him, sleeping in the same tent. Of course nothing sexual or that sort happened because I was a good straight Christian boy. But to be able to spend or be so close with a HIV + person in the early 1990s, especially coming from a conservative Christian background, was big thing. I was pretty proud of myself to be able to do that.

Later I went with this friend to watch the first gay movie I had ever watched, “Long Time Companion”, and cried. This was when I started to open up myself more and more to learn about the disease as well as my own sexual preference.

I have lost contact with this friend but I heard from another friend from the USA few years ago that he was still alive and well.

Returning to Malaysia in the mid nineties was a real challenge for me. I lived in the USA for nine years plus and never wanted to return. But only God knows why I decided to return and only God knows why I decided to explore the gay person in me after my return.

I got to know this organization called Pink Triangle. The first person I talked to in PT was Jack (unfortunately he passed away) who was also the first HIV positive person I knew in Malaysia. Later I was acquainted with another positive guy who died in England a few years later. I visited him in the hospital when he was very sick; it was the first time I saw a person inflicted with AIDS face to face.

Since then, I have been learning about HIV/AIDS and had a few close brushes with the virus by not practicing safe sex. Later I joined some training programs with Malaysia Aids Council and once in awhile participated in PT’s parties or events. My knowledge about HIV/AIDS was getting better but I did not get myself really involved with the issue, may be because I was not ready.

Two years ago I decided to go back to school to get a degree in counseling. At that time I also found out PT Foundation started the VCT (Voluntary Counseling, and Testing; it is an anonymous HIV testing program) program so I volunteered myself to become a VCT counselor. Being a VCT counselor, I have to provide counseling to clients before they go for their test and give them their result after the test. These two years of VCT counseling prove to be very challenging especially when I have to break the news of positive result to my client. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. It’s not a pleasant announcement.

And as if God knew what was going to happen. A few months into my VCT adventure, one of my closest friends was diagnosed HIV positive. A few months later, another close friend of mine was also diagnosed positive.

Alan (not his real name) called me and told me his comprehensive blood test in a clinic showed he was HIV positive and asked me what to do. He was very calm and told me in a matter of fact manner. I was of course shocked and saddened. Alan and I used to be close to the point we almost became lovers. I advised him to come to PT to have another test to confirm as well as to get the recommendation letter to go to the hospital.

Then Mike (also not his real name) called a few months later. “I’m HIV positive.” That was his first line after the “hallo”. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what or how to respond. I asked perhaps a stupid question, “When did you have sex?” He was laughing over the other side. It didn’t really matter when he had sex. He was positive and he wanted to know what to do next. Mike was also cool and calm about his HIV status.

About an hour later, Mike’s partner called and he was crying. I found out from him that they knew about the HIV status for a few days but for some reasons Mike waited awhile to call me. Well, same procedure, I advised Mike to come to PT for a test and get the letter to go to hospital for the follow up test. Mike and his partner have not had sex for awhile so the partner was not in danger of contracting HIV from Mike. But they are still partners and love each other a lot. It has been difficult but now they seem to have adjusted and life has in a sense back to normal.

Few days ago, I got a text message from an acquaintance telling me he had a friend who was just diagnosed to be HIV positive. He was deeply affected by it because a year ago he had a good friend was also diagnosed HIV positive.

HIV does not only affect the people who are infected with the virus but their family, spouses, partners and friends will also be affected. Finding out someone you love has HIV is not an easy matter to deal with. Besides the positive person who is living with HIV, his/her friends, partners and family are also living with the virus. And I hope one day steps will be taken to assist the positive people’s loved ones to cope with living positively.

So far, this is my journey with HIV. I am not sure what awaits me at the corner; I am also not sure whether I will personally be infected with the virus in the future. My darling and I talked about it before, in the case of one of us was infected with the virus. We told each other we will live with each other and continue to support each other. However, I am already living positively now. I am living with my positive friends and every positive client I encounter in VCT. I may not fully understand how a HIV + person feels and what he/she is going through. But I am affected by the virus and I know I am living positively as long as the virus is in my friends' bodies and continue invading other human bodies in this world.

BLISS

Inverted Sexism

The furore over Adam Lambert's kissing a man on stage (some are furious because of the simulated oral sex) prompted Lambert to defend himself by saying, "If it's gonna be edited, then in a way that's discrimination. I don't mean to get political, but Madonna, Britney and Christina (kissing at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards) weren't edited. It's a shame. Female entertainers have been risque for years. Honestly, there's a huge double standard."

Some responded that Lambert is no Madona which I agree. In term of fame, success, and career achievement, Adam is nothing like Madona, yet (we can't tell the future). However, his defense has brought up something I called "inverted sexism" which few people, I believe, are aware of.

My darling gave me his observation the other day; people, no matter men or women, like to look and act like men (male) more than women (female). Any gay man will proudly present his manly and macho boyfriend. He wouldn't be proud if his boyfriend is girly and feminine. Macho and manly men are usually hot items in the gay community and feminine or soft males are usually frown upon or ridicule. And the term "straight looking" is a popular self-description of any gay man who wants to give a good impression in their internet profile. I presume "straight looking" means "manly looking" since the stereotype of "gay looking" is basically "feminine looking".

To be a bottom in a gay world is also denote submission and feminine males are usually assumed to be bottom.

Transsexuals or drag queens are definitely no object of wet-dreams for gay men. In fact, one must have accumulated really bad karma to be born a TS this life, many would think.

In the lesbian world, butch lesbians are a common sight. These ladies want to behave like gentlemen or macho man. They wrapped their breasts so tightly to make them flat, wear man clothing and cut their hair short. My darling observes that it is a lot easier to spot a lesbian than a gay man, especially for the generally unexposed public, because they dressed and behave like men.

Lesbian scenes are common in straight porn but if there are gay scenes in a straight porn, it would be called "bi" porn. Americans have accepted a woman kissing another woman on main stream cinemas long ago but only recently we begin to see some man to man kissing on screen. There were kissing scenes between Willow and her girlfriend in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" which was shown about ten years ago. However it was inconceivable to have two men kissing on the small screen during that time. "Interview with a Vampire" had to snip off the scene where Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt lying together hugging in bed to avoid offending the American public. "Alexander" had to be implicit in portraying the gayness of the emperor and Achilles' lover in "Troy" became his cousin instead of his lover (though disputed).

Therefore, it has a lot of truth to what Lambert's claim of double standard because women are allowed to "mess-up" a bit, they are weak and irrational anyway.

For a woman to have short hair and dress in men clothing is considered cool. For a man to dress in woman clothing and put on make-up is considered a freak. My fellow lady colleagues are free to dress in men clothes to teach but for me, a male lecturer, if I wear a dress and make-up to go teach, probably I would not even make it through the college's gate.

It is funny to see a man dressed and behave like a woman and is a sure ingredient for comedy.

Gay issues are usually more prominent and fascinating than lesbian issues. Homosexuality is usually associated with images of two men kissing and hugging each other rather than two women kissing and hugging. And society generally is able tolerate lesbianism more than gayism.

In fact, watching two woman kissing, hugging and undressing each other is probably one of the greatest sexual fantasies for straight men. On the other hand, two men kissing, hugging and undressing each other...

What do all these tell us? Basically it is cool to be a man. It is cool to dress like a man and act like a man. Therefore it is absolutely ok for anyone, disregard of gender, to act and dress like a man because that is normal, that is what a human being is supposed to be.

However, it is shameful to act like a woman. It is a freak to talk, walk, dressed and behave like a woman. To be a woman, one has no choice to behave in such a way though it is not desirable. But for a man to talk, walk, dressed and behave like a woman would be the most abominable thing a man could do.

Men are supposed to lure, protect, control, and dominate women for women are the weaker sex; they are emotional and irrational. Women need men to survive.

Therefore, when two men decide to love each other like a man and a woman, the immediate thought of that will be one of the men is behaving like a woman. Because one of the men has to be weak, emotional and irrational to allow himself to be controlled and dominate by another man. And it is an abomination for a man to behave like a woman.

Anti-gayism goes much deeper that just "because the Bible says so". It is an "inverted sexism". We can't blatantly discriminate against women in our modern society because of the women rights movement but we pretty much still living in a chauvinistic male dominant world. So, since we couldn't make women to stay in the kitchen, we make them behave like us. Tell the world that behaving like men is cool and encourage women to act like men.

And feminists are striving to do the things that men do in the name of equality. I haven't encountered any feminine movement that encourage women to cook, sew, and have babies. Feminists will consider doing those things as "shameful". In fact, the feminists I know are busy doing "men" staff like climbing the cooperate ladder, struggling to be leaders, and learning how to fight like men.

Feminist movies are usually showing how women fight back injustices like men.

I have stopped laughing when I watch comedy where there are men dressed like women. I disallowed my male drama students to act like women (they love to do that, some kind of Freudian thingy, I guess) in order to provoke laughter from the audience. In a case of an all male group doing a love story, I will insist they make it into a gay love story instead of some guys trying to act like girls. Same principle apply to an all girl group.

I am caught. I am not sure how to correct this very basic mindset of our world that women are the weaker sex and inferior to men. And to behave or be like a woman is not something to be encouraged, especially if you are a man. However, unless this attitude toward women is changed, the struggle to gain equal recognition for the sexual minorities in the world remain an uphill task.

Because of the feminist movement in the past century, we now have many women doing men jobs. However, some of these women have become conservative men in women clothing. They are as aspired and vigor as those conservative men to battle against gay rights and some of them even encourage women to go back to their kitchen and submit to their men.



Of the top of my head, I thought of Sarah Palin.


Not really sure how to conclude this...lets continue to struggle and pray for all mankind...may the Good Lord have mercy on us all before 2012 (if that really happens).

BLISS