December 1 was World Aids Day. I should have blogged this on that day but I was too busy to blog on that day. Three days before I went to Sungai Wang to help out in the Red Carnival, the annual event by PT Foundation to celebrate World Aids Day. Not sure I should call it a celebration but if you were in Sungai Wang on the 28th and 29th, you would think it was a celebration.
My first encounter with HIV was when I was a student in the USA in the 1980s. It was the time when HIV first shown its ugly head to the world. Hundreds of people, mostly gay men, died of this horrible onslaught and a world-wide epidemic was inevitable. I was a bit indifferent toward the disease because I was a very good straight Christian boy at that time, trying my best unsuccessfully to date girls. However, I did find myself being drawn to the issues with the disease more and more for some obvious reasons.
When I was studying in the seminary (yes, I was such a good Christian boy to the extend I enrolled myself in an evangelical seminary after I finished my bachelor studies), my only gay friend at that time came to the seminary to visit me and told me he was HIV positive. It was a bit traumatic for him and also for me. It was the early 90s, the only drug we had was AZT. But I was informed enough to not to fear him. I even went canoeing and camping with him, sleeping in the same tent. Of course nothing sexual or that sort happened because I was a good straight Christian boy. But to be able to spend or be so close with a HIV + person in the early 1990s, especially coming from a conservative Christian background, was big thing. I was pretty proud of myself to be able to do that.
Later I went with this friend to watch the first gay movie I had ever watched, “Long Time Companion”, and cried. This was when I started to open up myself more and more to learn about the disease as well as my own sexual preference.
I have lost contact with this friend but I heard from another friend from the USA few years ago that he was still alive and well.
Returning to Malaysia in the mid nineties was a real challenge for me. I lived in the USA for nine years plus and never wanted to return. But only God knows why I decided to return and only God knows why I decided to explore the gay person in me after my return.
I got to know this organization called Pink Triangle. The first person I talked to in PT was Jack (unfortunately he passed away) who was also the first HIV positive person I knew in Malaysia. Later I was acquainted with another positive guy who died in England a few years later. I visited him in the hospital when he was very sick; it was the first time I saw a person inflicted with AIDS face to face.
Since then, I have been learning about HIV/AIDS and had a few close brushes with the virus by not practicing safe sex. Later I joined some training programs with Malaysia Aids Council and once in awhile participated in PT’s parties or events. My knowledge about HIV/AIDS was getting better but I did not get myself really involved with the issue, may be because I was not ready.
Two years ago I decided to go back to school to get a degree in counseling. At that time I also found out PT Foundation started the VCT (Voluntary Counseling, and Testing; it is an anonymous HIV testing program) program so I volunteered myself to become a VCT counselor. Being a VCT counselor, I have to provide counseling to clients before they go for their test and give them their result after the test. These two years of VCT counseling prove to be very challenging especially when I have to break the news of positive result to my client. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. It’s not a pleasant announcement.
And as if God knew what was going to happen. A few months into my VCT adventure, one of my closest friends was diagnosed HIV positive. A few months later, another close friend of mine was also diagnosed positive.
Alan (not his real name) called me and told me his comprehensive blood test in a clinic showed he was HIV positive and asked me what to do. He was very calm and told me in a matter of fact manner. I was of course shocked and saddened. Alan and I used to be close to the point we almost became lovers. I advised him to come to PT to have another test to confirm as well as to get the recommendation letter to go to the hospital.
Then Mike (also not his real name) called a few months later. “I’m HIV positive.” That was his first line after the “hallo”. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what or how to respond. I asked perhaps a stupid question, “When did you have sex?” He was laughing over the other side. It didn’t really matter when he had sex. He was positive and he wanted to know what to do next. Mike was also cool and calm about his HIV status.
About an hour later, Mike’s partner called and he was crying. I found out from him that they knew about the HIV status for a few days but for some reasons Mike waited awhile to call me. Well, same procedure, I advised Mike to come to PT for a test and get the letter to go to hospital for the follow up test. Mike and his partner have not had sex for awhile so the partner was not in danger of contracting HIV from Mike. But they are still partners and love each other a lot. It has been difficult but now they seem to have adjusted and life has in a sense back to normal.
Few days ago, I got a text message from an acquaintance telling me he had a friend who was just diagnosed to be HIV positive. He was deeply affected by it because a year ago he had a good friend was also diagnosed HIV positive.
HIV does not only affect the people who are infected with the virus but their family, spouses, partners and friends will also be affected. Finding out someone you love has HIV is not an easy matter to deal with. Besides the positive person who is living with HIV, his/her friends, partners and family are also living with the virus. And I hope one day steps will be taken to assist the positive people’s loved ones to cope with living positively.
So far, this is my journey with HIV. I am not sure what awaits me at the corner; I am also not sure whether I will personally be infected with the virus in the future. My darling and I talked about it before, in the case of one of us was infected with the virus. We told each other we will live with each other and continue to support each other. However, I am already living positively now. I am living with my positive friends and every positive client I encounter in VCT. I may not fully understand how a HIV + person feels and what he/she is going through. But I am affected by the virus and I know I am living positively as long as the virus is in my friends' bodies and continue invading other human bodies in this world.
BLISS
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